They love you when its convenient When you are smiles and sunshine glittering across the softest waves a blooming bud opening its petals to the world They love you when it looks good When there's an audience Envious of the affection and attention wishing they had what is displayed before them A fancy overly priced Bauble behind a polished pane "Look... Don't touch" They love you when it's easy When you don't ask questions When you allow mistreatment When you stay silent while the screaming inside reaches crescendos which would shatter glass They love you when you are an idea When you fit the mold They've set for you You do not exceed the parameters You are contained In the box You are a picture Of Perfection A picture Not a person All of this Is to say In short... They Don't Actually Love You
It's been an up and down not quite right everything scattered everywhere kind of a month as usual I weave my way through the chaos not altogether gracefully tripping over this and a couple times that but I had a minute and chatted with an old friend and maybe it's because we travel in the same circles or perhaps because the universe saw fit to summon you back into my consciousness we spoke of you briefly and I said I wished we had never been together because I missed your friendship that was enough of that and I went about my measured sprinting in accomplishing all the things needing to be accomplished and then the cruel joke from humorless gods a song one I hadn't heard in almost a year picked perfectly its moment to reemergeturning the still embedded knife slow in my gut a reminder that it was beautiful for a minute but also knowing with the heaviness of its truth it was not so glorious that it was worth losing a friend.
Some loved her for her smile Others for her charm Some loved her style And how she adorned their arms One loved her cooking Some her soft heart The few that were looking Appreciated that part One found her clever And loved her quick wit Searching for Forever Convincing themselves She was It Never did one love her All Good, Bad, Fixed, Broken They remained blindly enthralled By traits they had chosen Yet each she loved in turn Hoping this time Love would stick She never could discern The Healthy from the Sick. She looked past the lies Ignored the flags of red Even as they grew in size "Oh, it's all in my head." One day her heart turned to stone Tired of her self-betrayal She would rather be alone Than love One who was unable To love her complete The gold and the muck The bitter and the sweet In motion or stuck. She would sooner wrap her hands around the sun Than be falsely loved by yet another one or some.
the wheels have been put into motion as the night goes long and my fingers fidget i laugh small short soft i've no ring to pawn pass on tuck away in a small box pushed to the back of a drawer to be forgotten until it is remembered during sad solitary sauvignon nights no so contemplation continues there was never a proposal the 'big rock" moment joyous tears speech impeding shock the announcement and following picture to the circle of friends oohing and aahing the phone call to parents sharing the same jubilant surprise no just an obligatory acceptance of wedding the mother of his children i would like to think he loved me i would like to believe i was more than a live-in maid nanny chef personal assistant i would like to hope that it wasn't all for naught yet i don't i can't i won't instead i will keep churning the crank operating the cold and tired machine rickety yet integral to and capable of shattering the shackles which once bound me to him
one would think I'd have given up by now the hopes of a union where I was a person not property to be treated the way I treat them with compassion empathy understanding to be loved the way I love with acceptance and kindness but bumps do not deter me the flaws and follies of others are not my responsibility the coldness and underlying meanness do not phase me as I've dealt with far worse I will simply keep going as I always have I've a lot to accomplish in so little time and if another stumbles onto my path choosing to walk along side me I'll let them until they, too find issue with the direction I'm heading the fact that I'm still walking and not hailing a cab and when they start to pick away at how I can be getting to where I'm going much more efficiently (to them) I'll listen respectfully and continue my journey the way I see fit whether they choose to be a part of it or decide to disengage is not a concern I'll not be pushed to alter my course or mode of transport I'll arrive when and where I need to with or without a companion
I kissed two fingers and then pressed them upon her cold surprisingly smooth forehead my boys kneeling beside me kept quiet no one told them to they seemed to gather the gravity of grief all on their own I didn't expect the tears she and I weren't close yet there I was crying the heaviness pervaded my being I knew immediately I was heartbroken for the ones she left behind friends children but mostly her sisters... just as tiny and frail just as angry just as hopeful just as loved just as stubborn in the face of lives which never came easy I sobbed. Here it was. Mortality. the blinding awareness of my warm two fingers pulsing while pressed against her cold and surprisingly smooth forehead
i peer at her on the quiet days black ink white paper a treasured sketch a gift which I'll never part with sometimes i think today is the day i will take the picture out of the frame read the message left behind it i haven't though so many of those days have passed and i've come to accept the reality i'll never do it i am not nearly as strong as all that
the day idly spent minding the steady tail twitch of my kit-kat clock
a photo of him grinning with a friend interrupted her afternoon of apathetic time wasting doom scrolling through political soundbites cartoons status updates announcing mostly the mundane and nestled between all of the nonsense there he was a snapshot he next to a gorgeous gal strands of his hair catching the wind eyes squinted against the sun smiling for the selfie and she was given the unwelcome reminder of the lost friendship the absence of being seen to the depths of her core by someone once considered Real and True making her also feel Real and True she didn't linger long the disconnect the indifference made this an easy pass good for him, living life... she thought remembering all the things she had wanted to do to explore to discover to talk over to dream about with him she kept swiping through knowing they only loved the idealized versions they had created of each other and that made it oh not so bad but damn if losing his companionship as a confidante didn't still Sting something Fierce
i see the glitter a glimpse into the eyes they are live wires shimmery specks of splendiferous shine fuzzing about the periphery of the pupils joyous crackles crinkling the corners happiness pure and present pouring abundantly out in a tiny grateful glance to be sighted and swallowed through such an ecstatic lens quickens the pulse i am dizzy and brought to much needed life