The faint,
niggling itch
which began
at the root
of my
subconscious desires
wriggled its way
ever so more insistently
up its stem
fattening
its leaves
attempting to
unfurl
perfumed petals
hungering
to
fully blossom
i stood
wanting for the sun
of you
instead
that un-scratchable
annoyance
still persistent
unrelenting
and now
becoming the bane
of my muddled
existence
the itch
i
could not
scratch
always
just almost
always
never there
you
will never know
that you
are the tickle
upon my
goosebumped flesh
the elusive
almost
the resigned
never
your touch
is
a memory
kept
vibrant and hidden
fertilizing
the soil
within my soul
i look towards the east
but the sun
has since set
i miss being your bloom
Tag: love
Regression
I had been going back and forth for a good long while and it didn't matter how much love I had for him in my heart, I remained solidly... unhappy.
And every moment with me, I could see him trying. All the efforts to please me, the gestures he thought would put a smile on my face, earn him the recognition of "Doing the Right Thing" - there I remained, lips tight, body tense, powerless to tell him to stop, as I witnessed each and every attempt fall flat *splat* at my feet.
The feet he would caress every morning when he awoke before me. The rough and dry, sharpened skin of his hands, a contrast to the softness of his tender touches. A dew drop of a kiss on the tips of each toe.
I couldn't take it anymore. I loved him in the grown, adult, mature kind of way that women my age do. No pretense, no tomfoolery. Only truth and the matters at hand. I knew, without a doubt, I was the red flag. And he would continue to love me regardless in the same patient and kind way he had been loving me this whole time.
I had to let him go. And not because I wanted to. Not for a lack of love and desire. I had to let him go because I was yet still too unhealed to properly accept the unconditional goodness, faith, and affection that someone was giving me willingly without having to be begged.
I was hurting him. The way I had been hurt so many times before. I was the villain this time. And I couldn't stand myself.
He listened quietly. He didn't argue. He didn't try to talk me out of it. He mostly maintained silence as I spoke and although I wanted him to disagree, to argue against me, to fight for the relationship, he did not. Because he knew I was right. We both knew I was right.
I am not meant for the beauty of his soul. I truly wish I was.
YOU
I still miss you but not the You which is now what has always been I miss the You who looked at me like a newly budded flower on a seemingly dying cactus though I was always very much alive but I liked it the awe the adoration so I let it pass I miss the You who believed in betterment of self even if somewhat unwilling and it perplexed me a moment but I allowed it a slight stumbling block I miss the You who never meant or ever wanted to hurt me though you did and I let it happen because I saw potential galaxies we could rule instead of the handful of stars which to you seemed sufficient I miss the You who I knew you could be The Universe The All The Everlasting Therein lies the rub I don't miss You. I miss the idea of a You. you were never going to be You you... were only a fabrication of my heart's fantastical ideals.
you’re not gone yet
your scent has left my linen and i can almost pretend there was never a person who shared my bed if only these miscellaneous mementos regretful reminders of you would stop popping up receipts a pair of socks a toothpick with the faint aroma of tea tree oil and mint random pieces of hard candy a puzzle you bought for all of us to do together shadows of you waning at a snail's pace
second place
giving an ultimatum the addiction or me was not my intent it was an act of desperation a move of futility the last thing i could think of to have a reason to stay because i knew all along just as the sun rises and as it sets i was never in the running.
Haiku for a fool
Her cries to the sky
Agonizing against
The aching goodbye
Too Much
Brilliant and glowing
A star
A Sun
And you,
blinking,
wandered towards the warmth
the brightness…
this was new
and for a minute
you were happy
But the heat
The sweltering heat
What once soothed
now scorched
What once gave soft light
Now blinded
It was too much of what it was
And not enough of what you wanted
Stars burn until they don’t.
And one
cannot hold jurisdiction over stars.
the rain
it’s raining and i miss you.
i wish you knew how extraordinary a thing that is.
the rain talks to me
softest pit-pat of drops against the glass pane
like
a gang of cats jogging across hot summer pavement
too quick to count
slightly silent
save for the rhythm
a staccato in unison
what a paradox
but it’s singing to me
and i think of you
your voice
(sweet songs kissing my ears)
your words
(drowsy mumbled love notes late at night)
and echos of
your laughter
(the happiest of dreams)
it’s raining and my arms feel empty
(where are you)
my hands restless
(i need to touch you)
the gnawing ache in my stomach
(i am empty)
my body is in a frenzied disparate hunger
one which cannot be easily sated
appeased
quelled
so
alone
i listen to the wind
whipping water
at my window
imagining
it’s you next to me
speaking to me
singing to me
whispering to me
instead of
the rain
Damned
I didn’t want to talk to you.
Receiving your messages before, I shrugged them off.
Curtly. Succinctly.
And I owed you nothing. Not a damn thing. I didn’t have to call you back.
But I’m not built that way.
I’ve spent far too many nights reaching out to empty bottles and lonely walls echoing my wretched breathing and the staggering pace of a sickened heartbeat.
I’ve played the part of functioning human while all were none the wiser to the inner cataclysm that just seemed to be on a never ending loop of emotional implosion.
No. I didn’t want to talk to you.
But I didn’t want you to be lost in that all too familiar gaping void of isolated solitude, either.
Begrudgingly, I did what I had promised myself I would never do again.
I let you back in.
Gods curse my caring heart.
Dominoes
The ones I loved
The ones I wanted
The ones I lusted
All could give a
flying fig
for me
a history of
chasing men
who had been
nothing but
back alley
beggar boys
sneakily dressed
in much
fancier clothing
just
(faintly squint)
a tiny bit
too large
for their
diminutive
frames
all whilst
my woman’s heart,
devotion,
and
hunger
had remained
far more feeling,
staunch,
and ravenous
And like dominoes
I kept queuing
them up
Each had
been
placed
and
balanced,
precariously
forming that tenuous line
of repeated
fowls and
heartaches.
the fickleness
of the foolish
a test of my
patience
Until I
came to realize
this was
far more trouble
than it
was worth
weary sigh
head tilted
my finger gave
the smallest
poke
to the very first
pip
and
The quiet rhythmic
clacking
soothed
the
*click
*click
*click
of each
falling into the
other
closure,
leaving
a flawless
mess…
a pile
of ivory rectangles
pieces
with no
discernible match
Gingerly,
with care
and reverence
I placed each tenderly
within the case
This was a game
I no longer
cared to play.
But Otherwise Fine 