little by little

the wheels 
have been put
into motion

as the night goes long
and my fingers fidget
i laugh
small
short
soft

i've no ring to pawn
pass on
tuck away in a small box
pushed to the back of a drawer
to be forgotten
until it is remembered
during sad
solitary
sauvignon nights
no

so
contemplation continues

there was never 
a proposal
the 'big rock" moment
joyous tears
speech impeding shock
the announcement
and following picture
to the circle of friends
oohing and aahing
the phone call
to parents
sharing the same 
jubilant
surprise

no 

just an obligatory acceptance
of wedding
the mother
of his 
children

i would like to think 
he loved me
i would like to believe
i was more than a
live-in maid
nanny
chef
personal assistant
i would like to hope
that it wasn't all for 
naught

yet

i don't
i can't
i won't

instead
i will keep 
churning the crank
operating the 
cold 
and tired 
machine
rickety yet
integral to
and capable of
shattering
the shackles
which once
bound me
to him