coping mechanisms

when i was younger
heartbreak
devastated me
in the worst way
i'd slip away into late night
dives
drinking to forget
picking up strangers
just to feel
wanted
pretending they gave a shit
even though
i knew they didn't
never being able
to stand my own reflection
the morning after

fortunately
times have changed
i don't find solace
in self-destruction
the way 
i once did

i suppose i've evolved

lately
i like to read old love poems
the ones i wrote
when the future
seemed certain
and promising

i read them 
to remind myself
that it has happened before
it can happen
again

just because
i've always been
slow to trust
when the time came
to lower the 
many bridges
to my soul's heart

i did and
i have continued to love
unconditionally
truthfully
loyally

always kindly.

while my stomach is sick
with the churning chaos
of another paramour
removed
i take the time
to acknowledge
the moments
where it all felt
real
new
forever

even if it doesn't feel that way
at the present