when i was younger heartbreak devastated me in the worst way i'd slip away into late night dives drinking to forget picking up strangers just to feel wanted pretending they gave a shit even though i knew they didn't never being able to stand my own reflection the morning after fortunately times have changed i don't find solace in self-destruction the way i once did i suppose i've evolved lately i like to read old love poems the ones i wrote when the future seemed certain and promising i read them to remind myself that it has happened before it can happen again just because i've always been slow to trust when the time came to lower the many bridges to my soul's heart i did and i have continued to love unconditionally truthfully loyally always kindly. while my stomach is sick with the churning chaos of another paramour removed i take the time to acknowledge the moments where it all felt real new forever even if it doesn't feel that way at the present
Category: poems
Always the Bridesmaid
the world is small and people talk it is the nature of the social beast the want the feeling to be a part of something that being said it came as no surprise when the idle neighborhood gossip the game of telephone reached me almost immediately it didn't take you long did it... going back to the one you wanted in the first place what can i say? nothing except that i cannot find my shocked face perhaps because there isn't one
Keeping Time
I would once become angry so angry fits of rage manic phone calls hours upon hours of making myself clinically insane I would show up drunk on a doorstep at 4 a.m. screaming crying tiny mascara rivers painting my cheeks black snot bubbles above a snarl no sense only scorn I could feel my heart being wrung twisted and contorted burning in agony from its mangled state A particular kind of torment one never forgets or hopes to endure again and I recall the panicked and confused stares eyes darting left right making sure the neighbors weren't witness to my psychotic scene I only wanted answers Why wasn't I worth the effort? What made me Less Than? Why was I bending like the reed and there they stood, unyielding oaks? Well. Years have come and gone ticks on a metronome keeping time for no one listening except myself I'm older so very Much. I no longer pitch fits dramatic displays are beneath me and more importantly take up far too much energy of which I have less and less One thing... the years have done nothing to diminish the corrosiveness of lost love's affliction The ache of my heart's suffering isn't reduced No It all still hurts the same It is only more familiar An unwelcome unavoidable guest I am forced to entertain every so often The difference now is I am much more aware of my worth despite the accompanying wretched emotional injury and no amount of tears wails impassioned pleas deranged theatrics and/or any and all will make a dent in someone else's minimal perception of my value It doesn't lead me to madness not anymore I am only burdened by sorrow for what the other person lost failed to grasp refused to see what could have been so. I mend what has been fragmented Allow myself the solitude to heal And in the quietude of another long night the metronome ticks ticks ticks
their indifference, my shame
i am always embarrassed when i miss those who don't care to even give a thought of me it's like ... excitedly babbling about a subject of interest only to find that no one is listening or even cares caught up in their own self-contained bubbles so the words, exploding glistening once rainbow bright with vivacity slowly lose their vibrancy colors sad wilted with losing life bleeding away into gray silence that is what it's like my heart hemorrhaging prismatic poetry to an audience stone-faced indifferent unmoved that is how i feel i have to remind myself if i knock on the door of a house with no lights i shouldn't be surprised when no one answers it does not lessen my shame
Untapped Potential Gone to Waste
He claimed to be "deeply in love" while continuing to ignore the concerns of the object of his supposed affection hurting her with inaction inflicting pain through purposeful neglect attempts at gaslighting when she came to close to shining the light on the darkened corners He specialized in self-delusion She knew this. She was not fooled by the facade She came from a family of people like him Yet, She chose to see the goodness So She gave chances. She offered patience and kindness. Because, as always she saw the potential in the person. She believed in evolution progress growth But She never lied to herself the way he managed to avoid self-truths day in and day out. And she knew in her heart of heart of Hearts recognizing what Could Be didn't make up for What It Wasn't. And it Wasn't Love.
Truth
They love you when its convenient When you are smiles and sunshine glittering across the softest waves a blooming bud opening its petals to the world They love you when it looks good When there's an audience Envious of the affection and attention wishing they had what is displayed before them A fancy overly priced Bauble behind a polished pane "Look... Don't touch" They love you when it's easy When you don't ask questions When you allow mistreatment When you stay silent while the screaming inside reaches crescendos which would shatter glass They love you when you are an idea When you fit the mold They've set for you You do not exceed the parameters You are contained In the box You are a picture Of Perfection A picture Not a person All of this Is to say In short... They Don't Actually Love You
Only For You
It's been an up and down not quite right everything scattered everywhere kind of a month as usual I weave my way through the chaos not altogether gracefully tripping over this and a couple times that but I had a minute and chatted with an old friend and maybe it's because we travel in the same circles or perhaps because the universe saw fit to summon you back into my consciousness we spoke of you briefly and I said I wished we had never been together because I missed your friendship that was enough of that and I went about my measured sprinting in accomplishing all the things needing to be accomplished and then the cruel joke from humorless gods a song one I hadn't heard in almost a year picked perfectly its moment to reemergeturning the still embedded knife slow in my gut a reminder that it was beautiful for a minute but also knowing with the heaviness of its truth it was not so glorious that it was worth losing a friend.
False
Some loved her for her smile Others for her charm Some loved her style And how she adorned their arms One loved her cooking Some her soft heart The few that were looking Appreciated that part One found her clever And loved her quick wit Searching for Forever Convincing themselves She was It Never did one love her All Good, Bad, Fixed, Broken They remained blindly enthralled By traits they had chosen Yet each she loved in turn Hoping this time Love would stick She never could discern The Healthy from the Sick. She looked past the lies Ignored the flags of red Even as they grew in size "Oh, it's all in my head." One day her heart turned to stone Tired of her self-betrayal She would rather be alone Than love One who was unable To love her whole & complete The glistening gold and the muck The sour, bitter, and the sweet In forward motion or stuck. She would sooner wrap her hands around the sun Than be falsely loved by yet another one or some.
little by little
the wheels have been put into motion as the night goes long and my fingers fidget i laugh small short soft i've no ring to pawn pass on tuck away in a small box pushed to the back of a drawer to be forgotten until it is remembered during sad solitary sauvignon nights no so contemplation continues there was never a proposal the 'big rock" moment joyous tears speech impeding shock the announcement and following picture to the circle of friends oohing and aahing the phone call to parents sharing the same jubilant surprise no just an obligatory acceptance of wedding the mother of his children i would like to think he loved me i would like to believe i was more than a live-in maid nanny chef personal assistant i would like to hope that it wasn't all for naught yet i don't i can't i won't instead i will keep churning the crank operating the cold and tired machine rickety yet integral to and capable of shattering the shackles which once bound me to him
yet again
one would think I'd have given up by now the hopes of a union where I was a person not property to be treated the way I treat them with compassion empathy understanding to be loved the way I love with acceptance and kindness but bumps do not deter me the flaws and follies of others are not my responsibility the coldness and underlying meanness do not phase me as I've dealt with far worse I will simply keep going as I always have I've a lot to accomplish in so little time and if another stumbles onto my path choosing to walk along side me I'll let them until they, too find issue with the direction I'm heading the fact that I'm still walking and not hailing a cab and when they start to pick away at how I can be getting to where I'm going much more efficiently (to them) I'll listen respectfully and continue my journey the way I see fit whether they choose to be a part of it or decide to disengage is not a concern I'll not be pushed to alter my course or mode of transport I'll arrive when and where I need to with or without a companion
But Otherwise Fine 